Thinking Back

I'm not use to blogging so i ask that you please bear with me as i get use to this. i want to use this as an avenue for others so they can see inside my world. For those who suffer with Bipolar, so they can see they are not alone and for those who are family member and so -called "normal" people, to try and understand what we go through. I was diagnosed in 2003 after i finally sought help, from what i now know was many manic episodes. I have recently started researching my illness, because in the beginning i was in denial and just thought i was plum crazy.  But i now know this is a real illness. And it is not just in my head. I think back to when I was a teenager, where i believe it all started. I remember all the destructive behavior i did with shame and am amazed my parents didn't put me away. I was soo very angry but 90% of the anger was from confusion and from a sense that i just didn't belong here. I hated myself intensely, and figured so did everyone else. No one ever took the time to try and find out what was wrong with me. I was labeled the black sheep. And everyone kept their distance. I KNEW something was wrong with me. I KNEW....but i didn't know what to do about it. At 18 I couldn't take life anymore and tried to kill myself, landing myself in a mental hospital. After I got out, life went on like it was. Everyone still ignoring I had a problem. In the black community, being mentally ill is sorta taboo. I have found in dealing with my illness that it is hard for them to believe anything is wrong with someone and that the sick person is just acting out or being defiant. "There's nothing wrong with him/her/them" are common phrases i have heard all my life. For a long time i believed it myself. But getting into a support group and researching bipolar myself i have found out and i am convinced that it IS REAL. The fact that it is a constant struggle everyday just to get out of bed. No one can understand the fatigue and the dread of facing another day unless you have lived with this. The highs and lows, the extreme mood swings, the debilitating depression, the racing thoughts, the creative periods where i felt invincible, shopping sprees, where I've spent every dime a had, being promiscuis, the anger and feelings of worthlessness.Looking back i now know, all symptoms of this illness. It's overwhelming at times, like being on a roller coaster that never ever stops. It's just not in the black community where we receive stigma. All over the news, in movies, "normal people", stereotype us and pick on us as an ongoing joke. Every time someone acts out or loses their temper to an extreme degree they are labeled as bipolar. I would love the general public to educate themselves about this illness before passing judgement. It is not easy living with this disease. It is horrible most of the time. The word stable isn't in my vocabulary. I visit stability but never live there. And i just want people to understand I don't want to be this way, i didn't chose this life. If it was up to me I'd be a zealous minister of God preaching about His Kingdom, but instead i'm paralyzed  with fear, a slave to my home, just wanting to be normal.